Just Life

Back in the Saddle Again

January 22, 2018

 

I feel as though it’s been forever since we chatted and I have missed it.  I must apologize that I have neglected our correspondence, the sad thing is that there really isn’t a good reason for it.  Last fall was a little rough for my Sweetie and I, it was the five year anniversary of our son passing.  Those milestone anniversaries tend to affect you a bit more, I guess it’s because they represents a significant amount of time.  Life is moving on all around you and for the bereaved parent there is something unsettling about that.  Four years and 364 days is one thing but 5 years well for some weird reason that is a completely different thing.  Grief follows it’s own path.  Are you familiar with the term ‘switchback’?  It doesn’t seem to be a phrase we use very often anymore.  It describes a path used for climbing up or down a steep trail.  You zig zag, going backwards to go forward. Grief, it’s full of switchbacks.

Despite the emotional time we experienced last fall the biggest reason that you haven’t heard from me for so long is one that you all can relate to.  After a few weeks off from writing I decided I needed to resume, I value this online friendship we are building.  But when I sat down to write my mind went a little crazy.  “Do I have to explain my absence in some way?  I don’t really want to talk about this season of grief, after all it’s a bit of a downer.  How do I jump back in?  What was the next thing I wanted to write?  Oh yeah, the piece from Fog Lit, nope, nope can’t do that. I’m still too raw to go there.  Okay need a new plan.  Wait, do you think anyone has even missed my posts?  Seriously this shouldn’t be so difficult, just start typing. Oh but wait, it’s got to be a great topic.  Oh come on Stacey, just be casual and write.”  And so went my inner monologue for weeks.  With the passing of time it seemed to become a bigger and bigger mountain to climb. An impossible task to reach out and write a new letter.  I was too much in my head.  Have you been there?

I know this is something that everyone can identify with.  We all do it. We play out scenarios, conversations in our heads. In reality the script never follows the outline in our heads.  We aren’t surprised when the flow of conversation diverts from our internal composition, we always knew that it would.   Look at all of us modern people.  Us silly modern people.  I believe this to be a shared trait of all people at all times but I wonder if we do it more today than people did in the past. Our minds not being occupied with the struggle of living or of putting food on the table, do we think about ourselves too much?  I don’t know.  I do know that far too often we allow our inner monologue to defeat us before we even begin.

Well there it is, my sad little tale of why I’ve been neglecting our time together.  The beautiful thing about life is that tomorrow is always a new day.  We all go through hard days, we all fall off the healthy habits we are trying to master, we all say things or eat things we wish we hadn’t.  God is gracious to us, each day is fresh.  Another chance to pick ourselves up and start again.  How amazing is that?  It’s up to us to take advantage of the fresh day.  To get out of our heads and back to the real act of living.

So my friends, I am happy to talk with you again.  I want to know, what’s been happening with you?  Did you have a good holiday?  Tackled any big tasks that have been haunting you?  New Years resolutions you are committing to?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Stacey-Lynne

P.S.  My dresser is still …..mostly cleaned off.

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  1. I have missed this! So glad to see you back! Never feel you need to justify why you haven’t been here or what you are writing about. This is your space, and it’s your way of connecting with the world. It’s yours and it’s whatever you want or need it to be at the time.
    On the fringe of the topic of grief, my winter/spring is jam packed with goals because it keeps me busy, and it gets me back to the routines I needed as I felt myself sinking into a dark place that just wasn’t where I wanted to be. So with lots of gumption and positive self talk, I’m pushing through and getting things done.
    Looking forward to your next post!
    Best!
    ~Jess

    1. I know I didn’t need to give an explanation, I just wanted too. Plus sometimes I think it’s reassuring to know that others allow their inner voice to derail them sometimes too. Even someone as on the ball and put together as me. Hahaha, I almost typed that with a straight face but then I started giggling.
      I am loving watching and cheering you on as you are implementing so many new healthy habits. You are inspiring me to get myself doing the same.

  2. Glad you’re back at it. Writing can be good for the soul. My holidays were good, spent with families and old traditional decorations from my childhood. I missed being away from rachael during the holidays…first time ever. But now she’s a young woman off making new memories of her own

  3. I’m glad to be back at it as well. You are so correct when you say it’s good for the soul. I’m happy you had a good holiday with your mom and Kathy and can I say I LOVED your ‘old fashioned’ decorations. They brought up lots of fun memories for me. I am sure it was an odd sort of holiday foe Rachael as well. Growing up is a little bittersweet for both sides.

  4. I love reading your posts. I’ve always wanted to start a blog but thought “what if I miss a week, day, etc” but your right its ok to miss. Isn’t that true of most things in life. I’m glad your back in the saddle. I had a great holiday – happy to have Joe home from university. As for resolution I gave up coca cola (again). Day 23 (feels like day 2300). I’m starting to wonder what or who I am doing it for.

    1. You should do it!! You can set your own time table, post as little or often as you would like. Day 23 is pretty impressive by the way.

  5. Glad you are back to writing . The first step back to something is always the hardest. Friends don’t need to know why you weren’t writing on here, they already knew.

  6. Nice to hear your voice here again! You are not alone with your inner monologue of defeat before you begin, it seems to plague all writers everywhere. I once took Julia Cameron’s advice and made a physical representation of that voice in my head…so I could laugh at him (yes, it was definitely a him) when I sat down daily to write. He didn’t survive the move to NB, but sometimes I still talk back and say “oh ya? Just watch me write!” 🙂
    The holidays were family-filled and New Years resolutions include finding some way to organize and accomplish the overwhelming number of things I want to do. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so good at thinking up new things for myself to do and learn.

    1. Haha that’s a good problem to have Andrea. That way you are never bored. Although also being able to sit with your feet up sometimes is also a gift.
      What a great idea to personify the voice in your head. Hmmmm something to think about.

  7. Yes it is SO TRUE I too spend far to much time ” in my own head ” Since reading this I am working at pushing through and focusing on whatever task I am doing. The time we spend trying to figure out what’s what & who’s who can be a waste. Thank you Stacey Lynne ….every time I think of your friendly gorilla I smile!

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