I feel as though it’s been forever since we chatted and I have missed it. I must apologize that I have neglected our correspondence, the sad thing is that there really isn’t a good reason for it. Last fall was a little rough for my Sweetie and I, it was the five year anniversary of our son passing. Those milestone anniversaries tend to affect you a bit more, I guess it’s because they represents a significant amount of time. Life is moving on all around you and for the bereaved parent there is something unsettling about that. Four years and 364 days is one thing but 5 years well for some weird reason that is a completely different thing. Grief follows it’s own path. Are you familiar with the term ‘switchback’? It doesn’t seem to be a phrase we use very often anymore. It describes a path used for climbing up or down a steep trail. You zig zag, going backwards to go forward. Grief, it’s full of switchbacks.
Despite the emotional time we experienced last fall the biggest reason that you haven’t heard from me for so long is one that you all can relate to. After a few weeks off from writing I decided I needed to resume, I value this online friendship we are building. But when I sat down to write my mind went a little crazy. “Do I have to explain my absence in some way? I don’t really want to talk about this season of grief, after all it’s a bit of a downer. How do I jump back in? What was the next thing I wanted to write? Oh yeah, the piece from Fog Lit, nope, nope can’t do that. I’m still too raw to go there. Okay need a new plan. Wait, do you think anyone has even missed my posts? Seriously this shouldn’t be so difficult, just start typing. Oh but wait, it’s got to be a great topic. Oh come on Stacey, just be casual and write.” And so went my inner monologue for weeks. With the passing of time it seemed to become a bigger and bigger mountain to climb. An impossible task to reach out and write a new letter. I was too much in my head. Have you been there?
I know this is something that everyone can identify with. We all do it. We play out scenarios, conversations in our heads. In reality the script never follows the outline in our heads. We aren’t surprised when the flow of conversation diverts from our internal composition, we always knew that it would. Look at all of us modern people. Us silly modern people. I believe this to be a shared trait of all people at all times but I wonder if we do it more today than people did in the past. Our minds not being occupied with the struggle of living or of putting food on the table, do we think about ourselves too much? I don’t know. I do know that far too often we allow our inner monologue to defeat us before we even begin.
Well there it is, my sad little tale of why I’ve been neglecting our time together. The beautiful thing about life is that tomorrow is always a new day. We all go through hard days, we all fall off the healthy habits we are trying to master, we all say things or eat things we wish we hadn’t. God is gracious to us, each day is fresh. Another chance to pick ourselves up and start again. How amazing is that? It’s up to us to take advantage of the fresh day. To get out of our heads and back to the real act of living.
So my friends, I am happy to talk with you again. I want to know, what’s been happening with you? Did you have a good holiday? Tackled any big tasks that have been haunting you? New Years resolutions you are committing to? Inquiring minds want to know.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
P.S. My dresser is still …..mostly cleaned off.